Your wedding is one of the most important days of your life. So much thought and preparation goes into planning for the big day, but what about those special customs that come in the days beforehand? Traditional Chinese weddings include a variety of activities that go on before the couple’s special day.
1) Choose auspicious dates
According to tradition, some dates are luckier than others. The date you choose for your wedding is extremely important, as are those of your pre-wedding activities, like the betrothal and gift exchange.
Historically, families consulted a monk or fortune-teller to find suitable dates. Nowadays, you can find information on auspicious dates online. The lunar calendar changes each year, but you should make sure to choose dates that comply with the birth years of the bride and groom, and ones that don’t fall in unlucky months.
These activities must have auspicious dates:
- Betrothal
- Installation of the bridal bed
- Exchange of gifts and dowry
- Hair combing ceremony
- Decorating
- Wedding ceremony
- Return to bride’s home (post-wedding)
The betrothal the official time that the bride and groom become engaged. Usually, the proposal has occurred earlier and the auspicious date for the betrothal has been chosen. The betrothal should occur 3-30 days before the wedding. Gifts are exchanged between the two families as follows:
From the groom’s family:
- Western and Chinese wedding cakes
- Peanut candies
- Two bottles of brandy
- Six cans of pork legs
- An even number of oranges
- Two pairs of dragon and phoenix candles
- Gold jewellery from the groom's parents to the bride (such as the Cantonese Dragon and phoenix bangle 龙凤琢 or the teochew's four gold items 四点金).
- Two bottles of orange syrup
- Two phoenix candles (The bride's side will light the two dragon candles and the groom's side the phoenix candles on the wedding day.)
The dowry may be delivered on the same day as the betrothal, or separately before the wedding. The gifts typically include items for the new home, such as bedding tied in red ribbons, clothes, a tea set, baby accessories like a potty or wash basin, sewing supplies and house slippers.
4) Installing the bridal bed
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| installing bridal bed |
5) Hair combing ceremony
The evening before the wedding, the bride and groom (separately in their own homes) have their hair brushed by a good fortune woman. Each should shower in pomegranate water and sit near a window. The blessing is as follows:
一梳梳到尾 - 1st combing: Remain together forever
二梳百年好合 - 2nd combing: A harmonious marriage
三梳子孙满堂 - 3rd combing: A large family
四梳白发齐眉 - 4th combing: A long life
6) Decoration
Place ‘double joy’ stickers on all gifts and wedding items, as well as the furniture in the bridal room. Wedding paper-cuts, like mandarin ducks, dragons and phoenixes, can be placed around the house, and a red announcement banner should be hung across the front doors of both houses.
Wedding Day
1) Picking up the Bride
Nowadays, the bridesmaid will have most fun during the picking up of the bride. Early in the morning, the groom and the groomsmen will decorate the cars and drive them over to the bride's home. At the door, the bridesmaids will prepare a lot of tricky questions for the groom to answer. The groom not only has to answer all the questions, he also has perform certain acts such as doing push-ups to show that he's strong enough to take care of the bride,or sing out his love for the bride in front of many people. The groomsmen will help the groom to pass all these tests. The last test is a financial test. The groom has to pay the bridesmaids some 'red packets' [good fortune] as gifts, then the groom and his groomsmen can enter the house and greet the bride.
The couple will then serve tea to the superior in the bride's family. The bride's parents will be the first to be served, followed by other relatives. Each one will give the couple some present in return, often red packets and jewelry for the bride [gold is often preferred in the Southern region].
2) Bride Leaving Home
Nowadays, only very traditional families may use the red umbrella or throw rice as the bride leaves the house. Most people do not perform any special activities and the bride's parents and relatives will either go to the Marriage Registrar or the church to attend the wedding ceremony.
3) Bride Arriving at the Groom's Home
Again, the couple will then serve tea to the superior in the groom's family. The groom's parents will be the first to be served, followed by other relatives. Each one will give the couple some present in return, often red packets and jewelry for the bride. After that, the whole family will leave for the Marriage Registrar or the church to attend the wedding ceremony.
4) The Wedding Banquet
This is probably the part of the tradition that has been very well kept. In the modern Chinese society, the wedding feast is considered to be very important as supposed to the church ceremony or even the signing of the marriage license at the Government's Marriage Registrar. Most parents do not mind the rest of the tradition except for this part. To the parents, the wedding feast is a chance for them to return their relative's kindness and to announce the marriage of their kids. If the wedding feast turns out to be good, then it's a great thing because they will have 'face'. In the Chinese culture, it's most important to have 'face' [respected by others].
Traditionally, the groom will pay for everything but nowadays, some young couples will offer to pay for themselves. As mentioned before, this is the area with the highest likelihood for conflicts between families of the bride and the groom. The bride's family will want to invite as many friends and families as possible while the groom's family may either have a budget concern or they do not want the bride's family to invite more friends than they do in fear of losing 'face'. Note that the bride and the groom's own friends are often being neglected. The wedding banquet is truly more of a parental event than that of the young couple's. There are many jokes about some people slipping into wedding banquets and nobody even noticed until the young couple exchange notes afterwards and realize the guests are neither the bride nor the groom's relatives. Or that the guest went to the wrong banquet in the same restaurant [there may be 3 or 4 banquets going on at the same time in the restaurant, separated by partitions or rooms] without knowing it.
Once the guest list is drafted, the parents will then decide on the menu. A traditional Chinese banquet will include somewhere around 12 courses including an appetizer [lobster salad], roast pig, abalone, shark fin soup and end with fried rice/noodles, dessert and fresh fruit. The food is of utmost importance to Chinese and in most cases only delicacies are served. Besides,really nice cognac such as VSOP is often being served. As a side note, most restaurant finds the beverage to be a great way to rip off the family as you can never keep track of how many Cokes each guest has consumed.
During the feast, the guests are seated in round tables and sometimes seating plans are being made in order to avoid guests not knowing each other being seated at the same table. Each guest will normally bring along monetary gift that runs around US$50-US$100 in Hong Kong [the price varies in different regions]. Normally the gifts can barely cover the cost of the banquet, therefore, the banquet is a great financial constraint in the couple's planning. [...that is, on top of the US$500-US$1000-per square-foot real estate price and 9% interest rate on mortgage plan in Hong Kong]. As for the wedding colour, it is quite standard: red.
The events in a Chinese wedding banquet have been modified a bit nowadays. Before the banquet starts, most of the guests will participate in one of the Chinese national games, mahjong [a Chinese tile game]. Others will take photos with the bride and the groom. When the food is ready, the waiters will play a modified xylophone and wedding music will start to play in the background. Some couples will hire an MC to conduct the ceremony. Due to Western influence, the best man and maid of honour often gets to toast the bride and the groom before food is being served. During the serving of shark fin soup, the couple will go from table to table, toasting the guests and thanking them. In return, the guests will also toast the bride and the groom. After that, the groomsmen, bridesmaids and friends of the young couple will often play certain tricks on them. This is similar to the clinking of glasses in the Western culture. The goal is to make the groom show his love in public. Some of the games are X-rated, depending what kind of friends the couple has. Some games are similar to the ones played in during bridal shower or a bachelar's party. Others may be a bit more outrageous.
After that, the bride will change into a different gown [For some peculiar reason, brides have to change into 4 or 5 different dresses on the wedding day]. As the time draws near for the guests to leave, the parents, the couple and the relatives will stand in line at the door to thank the guests and wish them well as they leave. This is contrary to the receiving line in Western culture. Chinese has 'retreating line' instead. When all the guests have left, the bridal party will go home. That is, if the couple is not holding the banquet in a hotel where a guest room is provided for the newly wed to stay. If so, the persistent friends will break into the room and play more games on the newly wed. For details, please refer to directory Lee An's movie Wedding Banquet which has a great description on wedding banquets.
Post Wedding Activities
1) The Bride Returning Home after 3 Days
Nowadays in certain regions, this rule is still being followed where the bride will return to the family with gifts. However, in some regions, this custom is being simplified so the bride will return home on the same day if distance allows. Otherwise, some brides will leave the door, and then return to the house again and count that as 'returning home'.
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